II . Discoveries and my sulkiness
I've been turning this over in my mind for months, how to write this, knowing that it always comes out the same with a great sense of failure, of having missed something. Not wanting to be glib, these reflections may seem more negative than positive, but it's part of my process. Perhaps I will get to the other side...
/// 1° rendez-vous raté
I'm 12 minutes late for my first rendez-vous with Mast'Her on 18 décembre 2007.
I arrive after receiving his SMS — I had stopped by my house to drop some things off after work & didn't see the time slip by, but that's no excuse ! Mast'Her tells me that we will just have a drink instead of the dinner together as planned & then he will leave.
I feel a dark shaft of light descend on me, its energy immobilizing me in an adolescent sulk. I refuse to order a drink. I understand my mistake, am surprised by my reaction, but I can't shake this dark feeling.
It's dark & cold outside, we say goodbye & I feel ashamed.
/// 1° rendez-vous à Lagny
Mardi gras, I'm invited to my first (and only) evening alone with Mast'Her. I arrive on time !
Perhaps these are only my impressions, perhaps he experienced this differently, but I felt as if my body betrayed me with some resistance. Every sensation so new, I didn't quite know how to accept them, give into them, a bit fearful, as my mind was busy incorporating this new information. How to describe the sensation of the first lick of the whip ?
I crystallize my thoughts into something poetic.
As a second invitation didn't happen, I felt as if I had disappointed him in some way. Or maybe he just simply didn't have the time.
I didn't quite know what I was supposed to do.
/// First times
So many discoveries, so many "first times" ! Some of which are already described in the blog. Thank you Mast'Her.
I discover that I like the whip, the martinet (especially double).
Sometimes Mast'Her & Ôda took turns, it was part of a game. Sometimes he lent me to other Maîtres so I could have a different experience.
Later, I'm drawn to bondage by Nawa-kin, and discover that I like cagoules.
/// MarquiXe, le petit nom qui n'a pas adheré
This was chosen as my nickname, but aside from using it in correspondence with Mast'Her, we all continued to use "Princess".
I was honored to play the role of the MarquiXe in the new Goûters.
/// Petgirl
During the birthday party for Mast'Her and Franck, I playfully became a Petgirl. I was still in a rebellious phase, I again sabotaged some play with Mast'Her which I regretted.
Being a Petgirl is something I would still like to explore. And Google certainly thinks so too, as "petgirl" has become the major keyword towards my blog !
/// X, Princess et so Glam star.
Thus Mast'Her described me.
Am I not his soumise ?
/// Princess BlingBling
My new nickname, all strass and shiny silver... an affectionate tease, the antithesis of a soumise.
I buy a Nabaztag, baptized PrincesseBlingBling by the Marquis Noir. She's married to Juste (the Nabaztag of Mast'Her and Mlle Ôda). Even they have difficulty communicating !
/// This dark shaft of light
Frequently, I felt imprisoned by this dark shaft of light, this enclosed adolescent reaction. I had difficulty with these public discussions and resisted what I felt to be judgment or critiques, unable to listen or reflect, just rebel, like an adolescent who tries to be "perfect" and is disappointed to find error.
Why should I react in this way to someone who has only been generous to me ? I suppose that I was unable to fully accept the gift that was offered, to understand and evolve. Instead, I kept asking myself : What does he want with me ? Why does he want me when he already has Ôda and Nawa-kin ?
/// Ce quelque chose qu'elle ne capte pas
Mast'Her and Nawa-kin explain to me at dinner that there's something I don't quite "get". I should be following a straight unswerving line, but instead, I'm like a butterfly flitting here & there, inattentive. I listen, and try to understand just what it is that I don't quite "get".
I wrote: "C'est vrai que je n'ai pas encore capté des nuances de cette relation telle que tu l'imagines. C'est peut-être évidente pour toi, mais pas autant pour moi, et j'aurais besoin de plus de précisions, de discussion... C'est fin, subtile, intuitif apparemment, mais effectivement il y a quelque chose qui m'échappe. Je fais vraiment de mon mieux, et comme je te dis souvent, tout est si nouveau pour moi, y compris cette notion de "no sexe". Je ne sais pas les paramètres, j'essaie de me laisser guider."
Sometimes a new concept can be revelatory, liberating a thought in instant alignment. Sometimes it's revolutionary & needs time to be accepted.
In this case, I was incredibly slow.
/// Un cadeau empoissoné.
Les quatre ans des Goûters, l'anniversaire de Franck , et la mienne.
Despite my recent behavior that was a bit sulky & aggressive, my birthday is still celebrated. I was delighted to be given as a prize in the different tombolas (along with Clara). I especially enjoyed the travail des seins.
A young woman arrived, Mast'Her told me to take care of her. (I will refer to her as Y.) She told me that she was looking for a long-term relationship, but declined to play with some of my "fiancées" who were married. The following week, there she was again, this time under Mast'Her's orders !
I found Y. to be insipid, and yet Mast'Her played with her in ways he had never played with me. I was starting to feel that something was really wrong.
Jealousy arose in me that I couldn't contain, despite my reasoning. Those emotions are hard to control.
/// Le mariage de R&C
Mast'her has asked me in January if I was free the last weekend in May to accompany him with Ôda and Nawa-kin to Normandy for the marriage celebration of Roman & C. as well as another couple.
As the date grew closer, Nawa-kin realized that she was unable to come, to our great disappointment. Suddenly, Y. was invited, and I was to share a room with her !
My mental state was in a mess, physically I was far overworked, I was emotionally primed to explode.
Those who were there can read between the lines.
Suffice it to say that this conflict came to a head, I felt lost, and more sulky than ever.
/// "Quel couple d'enfer"
Mast'Her exclaimed with surprise at the sudden vision of me standing next to another guest.
My psychological state colored my reactions.
I just heard the words "couple" and "enfer", taking the expression word for word, making a cultural mistake in translation.
I felt ridiculous, and sad, walking away despite being called back.
Much later, this mal-entendu was cleared up, but by then it was far too late.
/// Crise
I was told that they didn't know who I was, that I only revealed what I wanted them to see. I was astounded, feeling that I had been exposing myself, even in these sulky or jealous attitudes that I would rather have concealed.
Mast'her felt that I was an actress, capable of lying, or creating contre-verités.
As I was to leave for SF, I avoided going to the Goûters the following week.
In total crisis, I fled.
(à suivre ...)
I've been turning this over in my mind for months, how to write this, knowing that it always comes out the same with a great sense of failure, of having missed something. Not wanting to be glib, these reflections may seem more negative than positive, but it's part of my process. Perhaps I will get to the other side...
/// 1° rendez-vous raté
I'm 12 minutes late for my first rendez-vous with Mast'Her on 18 décembre 2007.
I arrive after receiving his SMS — I had stopped by my house to drop some things off after work & didn't see the time slip by, but that's no excuse ! Mast'Her tells me that we will just have a drink instead of the dinner together as planned & then he will leave.
I feel a dark shaft of light descend on me, its energy immobilizing me in an adolescent sulk. I refuse to order a drink. I understand my mistake, am surprised by my reaction, but I can't shake this dark feeling.
It's dark & cold outside, we say goodbye & I feel ashamed.
/// 1° rendez-vous à Lagny
Mardi gras, I'm invited to my first (and only) evening alone with Mast'Her. I arrive on time !
Perhaps these are only my impressions, perhaps he experienced this differently, but I felt as if my body betrayed me with some resistance. Every sensation so new, I didn't quite know how to accept them, give into them, a bit fearful, as my mind was busy incorporating this new information. How to describe the sensation of the first lick of the whip ?
I crystallize my thoughts into something poetic.
As a second invitation didn't happen, I felt as if I had disappointed him in some way. Or maybe he just simply didn't have the time.
I didn't quite know what I was supposed to do.
/// First times
So many discoveries, so many "first times" ! Some of which are already described in the blog. Thank you Mast'Her.
I discover that I like the whip, the martinet (especially double).
Sometimes Mast'Her & Ôda took turns, it was part of a game. Sometimes he lent me to other Maîtres so I could have a different experience.
Later, I'm drawn to bondage by Nawa-kin, and discover that I like cagoules.
/// MarquiXe, le petit nom qui n'a pas adheré
This was chosen as my nickname, but aside from using it in correspondence with Mast'Her, we all continued to use "Princess".
I was honored to play the role of the MarquiXe in the new Goûters.
/// Petgirl
During the birthday party for Mast'Her and Franck, I playfully became a Petgirl. I was still in a rebellious phase, I again sabotaged some play with Mast'Her which I regretted.
Being a Petgirl is something I would still like to explore. And Google certainly thinks so too, as "petgirl" has become the major keyword towards my blog !
/// X, Princess et so Glam star.
Thus Mast'Her described me.
Am I not his soumise ?
/// Princess BlingBling
My new nickname, all strass and shiny silver... an affectionate tease, the antithesis of a soumise.
I buy a Nabaztag, baptized PrincesseBlingBling by the Marquis Noir. She's married to Juste (the Nabaztag of Mast'Her and Mlle Ôda). Even they have difficulty communicating !
/// This dark shaft of light
Frequently, I felt imprisoned by this dark shaft of light, this enclosed adolescent reaction. I had difficulty with these public discussions and resisted what I felt to be judgment or critiques, unable to listen or reflect, just rebel, like an adolescent who tries to be "perfect" and is disappointed to find error.
Why should I react in this way to someone who has only been generous to me ? I suppose that I was unable to fully accept the gift that was offered, to understand and evolve. Instead, I kept asking myself : What does he want with me ? Why does he want me when he already has Ôda and Nawa-kin ?
/// Ce quelque chose qu'elle ne capte pas
Mast'Her and Nawa-kin explain to me at dinner that there's something I don't quite "get". I should be following a straight unswerving line, but instead, I'm like a butterfly flitting here & there, inattentive. I listen, and try to understand just what it is that I don't quite "get".
I wrote: "C'est vrai que je n'ai pas encore capté des nuances de cette relation telle que tu l'imagines. C'est peut-être évidente pour toi, mais pas autant pour moi, et j'aurais besoin de plus de précisions, de discussion... C'est fin, subtile, intuitif apparemment, mais effectivement il y a quelque chose qui m'échappe. Je fais vraiment de mon mieux, et comme je te dis souvent, tout est si nouveau pour moi, y compris cette notion de "no sexe". Je ne sais pas les paramètres, j'essaie de me laisser guider."
Sometimes a new concept can be revelatory, liberating a thought in instant alignment. Sometimes it's revolutionary & needs time to be accepted.
In this case, I was incredibly slow.
/// Un cadeau empoissoné.
Les quatre ans des Goûters, l'anniversaire de Franck , et la mienne.
Despite my recent behavior that was a bit sulky & aggressive, my birthday is still celebrated. I was delighted to be given as a prize in the different tombolas (along with Clara). I especially enjoyed the travail des seins.
A young woman arrived, Mast'Her told me to take care of her. (I will refer to her as Y.) She told me that she was looking for a long-term relationship, but declined to play with some of my "fiancées" who were married. The following week, there she was again, this time under Mast'Her's orders !
I found Y. to be insipid, and yet Mast'Her played with her in ways he had never played with me. I was starting to feel that something was really wrong.
Jealousy arose in me that I couldn't contain, despite my reasoning. Those emotions are hard to control.
/// Le mariage de R&C
Mast'her has asked me in January if I was free the last weekend in May to accompany him with Ôda and Nawa-kin to Normandy for the marriage celebration of Roman & C. as well as another couple.
As the date grew closer, Nawa-kin realized that she was unable to come, to our great disappointment. Suddenly, Y. was invited, and I was to share a room with her !
My mental state was in a mess, physically I was far overworked, I was emotionally primed to explode.
Those who were there can read between the lines.
Suffice it to say that this conflict came to a head, I felt lost, and more sulky than ever.
/// "Quel couple d'enfer"
Mast'Her exclaimed with surprise at the sudden vision of me standing next to another guest.
My psychological state colored my reactions.
I just heard the words "couple" and "enfer", taking the expression word for word, making a cultural mistake in translation.
I felt ridiculous, and sad, walking away despite being called back.
Much later, this mal-entendu was cleared up, but by then it was far too late.
/// Crise
I was told that they didn't know who I was, that I only revealed what I wanted them to see. I was astounded, feeling that I had been exposing myself, even in these sulky or jealous attitudes that I would rather have concealed.
Mast'her felt that I was an actress, capable of lying, or creating contre-verités.
As I was to leave for SF, I avoided going to the Goûters the following week.
In total crisis, I fled.
(à suivre ...)
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