Nawa-san wraps her cord tightly around my breasts. A knot pushes into my diaphragm, right below my sternum. Ivory rope that matches my skin.
Suspension as my body is lifted and pulled upwards as she binds my legs, one after the other, opening them wide, knees bent as if I was sitting, my legs spread wide open.
The odor, the perfume of my sex wafts outwards.
A man sits directly in front of me, caressing himself, I can imagine his pleasure.
I am lifted into my first suspension. Nawa-san ties my ankle to the bamboo rod. I have waited so long for this moment — je voyage déjà — the position isn't quite finished when I feel a slight wave of nausea beginning.
Oh no, not this !
I check to see that it's not based on fear — I'm not afraid at all— I try to release this feeling but the nausea becomes more powerful, overtaking me, the knot in the rope pushing deeply into me.
I pale, beads of sweat pour out of my face, my body liquefies : I feel like I could lose everything, like I could throw myself down & cry.
I give in to this nausea, going limp, feeling sick & so disappointed.
A hasty undoing of the cords, my feet on two tabourets. I lift myself upwards to release the pressure of the knot, hoping to feel less sick.
Nawa-san wipes my brow, Julien brings me a coke, El Commandant fans me, teasing me so I come back — the whole thing is a blur, mixed with my deception. My body betrayed me somehow !
Later, at dinner, talking about this with Nawa-san — that the rope was pushing into my heart chakra. What had it unblocked ? Releasing a poison in my body.
El Commandant thinks that it's linked to my problem of letting go, that it's linked to something hidden deep in my subconscious.
The nausea stayed with me for 36 hours.
*
Nervous anxiety
like a butterfly
trembling
inside of me
*
Thinking about what subconscious thing could be blocking me ... wondering...
Looking at the position : legs bent, spread open, my sex exposed, a man sitting directly in front of me —looking at me...
A sudden vision of Dr. Smith, laying on the table, my legs spread open in the straps. remembering this vividly — could this be the reason ?
Does everything go back to cellular memory ?
Right now, I feel like giving up.
photo : © Tous droits réservés by les Goûters du Divin Marquis
http://books.google.com/books?id=bzQ-v4eD-38C&pg=PA34&dq=sartre+%22comme+un+gros+ver+blanc+dans+ma+main%22#v=onepage&q=sartre%20%22comme%20un%20gros%20ver%20blanc%20dans%20ma%20main%22&f=false
***
ReplyDeleteAnd I remember reading "La Nausée" de Sartre when I was about 17, remembering a sentence that mystified me : "comme un gros ver blanc dans ma main".
I had never really seen a male sex, erect or flaccid, never held one in my hand. I was mystified about this sexual reference & didn't know what it mean.
Curious, googled this quote & found this page (sorry, in English only):
http://books.google.com/books?id=bzQ-v4eD-38C&pg=PA34&dq=sartre+%22comme+un+gros+ver+blanc+dans+ma+main%22#v=onepage&q=sartre%20%22comme%20un%20gros%20ver%20blanc%20dans%20ma%20main%22&f=false
Et je me souviens d'avoir lu La Nausée de Sartre quand j'avais environ 17 ans, je me rappelle d'une phrase qui m'a déconcerté: "comme un gros ver blanc dans ma main".
ReplyDeleteJe n'avais jamais vraiment vu un sexe masculin, en érection ou flasque, je n'avais jamais tenu une dans ma main.
J'ai été déconcerté à propos de cette référence sexuelle et ne savent pas ce que cela signifiait.
Curieuse, j'ai googisé cette citation & j'ai trouvé cette page (désolé, en anglais uniquement):
http://books.google.com/books?id=bzQ-v4eD-38C&pg=PA34&dq=sartre+%22comme+un+gros+ver+blanc+dans+ma+main%22#v=onepage&q=sartre%20%22comme%20un%20gros%20ver%20blanc%20dans%20ma%20main%22&f=false