You are stunned, powerless.
You thought you knew
What was going on.
Now you realize you don't have a clue.
You are stopped in your tracks.
Everything within your skin is shaking.
Enter this shaking.
Right here, in the midst of commotion - get curious and look around inside with wonder.
Unmind your mind.
All the walls have fallen down.
Go ahead and dissolve.
The One Who Has Always Been ,
Who has seen much worse than this, is still here.
You thought you knew
What was going on.
Now you realize you don't have a clue.
You are stopped in your tracks.
Everything within your skin is shaking.
Enter this shaking.
Right here, in the midst of commotion - get curious and look around inside with wonder.
Unmind your mind.
All the walls have fallen down.
Go ahead and dissolve.
The One Who Has Always Been ,
Who has seen much worse than this, is still here.
© 2008, Lorin Roche, Ph.D.
Terrorized in the middle of the night, a bad mix of medication, my heart racing. It was the muscle relaxant, too strong, combined with the painkillers.
I opened my eyes & saw patterns, brightly lit, somewhat moving, liquid hallucinations, like a transparent wallpaper covering the room. I closed my eyes to shake it off, opening them to a new pattern, again & again.
I shut my eyes, turning to the pillow, saying "I hate this !" as the realization of my hallucinations hit me. I lifted my arm which fell weakly to the bed, no force, although my heart was pumping furiously. I moaned and flailed, feeling like my body would empty.
The pharmacist had warned me that this drug was strong, that I should take it & go to bed & not move, as sometimes people would collapse.
Despite this warning (and the recent fall I took in SF on the bathroom tiles) I pulled myself out of bed.
I awoke, the feeling of the wooden floor on my face. I had probably taken 2 steps. I crawled forward towards the bathroom.
I don't know what happened, I must have lunged. I woke up on the floor, my hands outstretched, a pain darting in my foot.
I reached forward & felt the cool enamel of the toilet. I pulled myself up onto the seat, in a cold sweat, grabbing a towel, leaning my head on the laundry basket.
At least 20 minutes like that, my body emptying, my heart gradually slowing down. Eventually, I could make it back to the bed. My pajamas were soaked, my hair drenched, no strength to change, just wiping myself with the towel.
In the morning, I saw what had happened to my foot. The wooden bathrack had fallen across all four of my toes, badly bruising them. Looking like a Mafiosi revenge ! I didn't think they were broken, but I taped them together. I was on pain killers & anti-inflammatory meds anyway for my back.
I squeezed my foot into my boot,& made it to the airport, off to Morocco in pain.
I can't explain why I felt so guilty & ashamed. It wasn't as if I'd been drunk or indulging in recreational drugs - this was a bad reaction to a powerful prescription drug. But I suppose there was enough emotional memory of times when I had indulged, with ungraceful results.
Also, I knew better than to get out of bed, i'd been warned. Only 3 months earlier, I'd had a similar accident, and I should have been more wary. A fear of soiling myself in bed, deep childhood shame overriding my better judgment.
Fear of death ! The mind trying to control instead of letting go. Why hadn't I simply enjoyed the beauty of my hallucinations ? Almost like an acid flashback, that incredible quality.
Let go, let go, I will not die !
But by "controlling", in this attempt, I could really hurt myself, I could accidentally die.
I was rather shocked by this realization.
Time to slow down & reconnect. Time for meditation & spiritual reflection.
Bringing out the tools.
Quiet time to be myself.
/// as Lady Labyrinth / 08
/// as Lady Labyrinth / 08
