III . Discoveries and my sadness
If I'm able to write this now, it's because I hope that I have changed a little bit. I've given much thought to Mast'Her's impressions, catching myself as an actress, a dissimulator, etc. I've tried to be more in alignment with myself, and thus more authentic with others.
/// California
On the other side of the world, in California, busy with a family wedding, helping my son move to SF, I thought of les Goûters. I thought : what if I didn't go back? Would I miss it? I realized that it really meant something to me, that I really cared about this group of people.
Coming back to Paris, not sure of how things stood, I asked le Marquis if I could come to the Goûters that Friday.
/// Je n'ai plus d'ordres à te donner
I sit on the stool next to his chair, waiting. He comes down, sits there. A man asks if he could play with me, and le Marquis tells him that I'm free to do as I pleased. I tell him : maybe later. I ask le Marquis what that meant. He replied : Je n'ai plus d'ordres à te donner.
My heart sinks as I realize that I won't get another chance (even though I keep a slight hope). He tells me that we're on 2 different planets, that everybody thought so (meaning Ôda and Nawa-kin), that we should just be friends. That we were incompatible, but that he would still watch over me in the Club. That he didn't have the time or the energy for me. In a word, he was no longer my Mast'Her.
What could I say ? I expected a talk, or a punishment, but not such a quick & final decision.
The doorbell rang, the brief discussion was over, I sat there with tears in my eyes, crying inside.
Not knowing what to do. I sat there.
Later, a young man I knew wanted to play. As a test, I told him to ask le Marquis, like before. As I waited upstairs, I could hear his answer thru the door : je lui ai rendu sa liberté.
/// Électron libre
So now I'm on my own, a free electron. I felt lost, ungrounded, no guidelines, no rules to obey, no one to serve.
In silence, respecting his decision, but crying on the inside.
Thoughts fill my mind : would another Master want me, knowing that I had been rejected by the Marquis ? Feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable when people ask me at the Club, or if they tell me they'd already heard.
At dinner he speaks of our communication problems, that after 8 months my texts remain still untranslated in my blog; that 8 months later, we're still in the same place.
That by not truly communicating, it was a way to dominate him. I have no real excuse, except to say that even to put my feelings/sensations into words in English was difficult, but I should of course have translated my writings for him.
A few tentative experiences with some other Masters, just for the afternoon. One experience with candle-wax left marks on my arms for a month !
Nawa-kin is on her boat with a shaven head; Ôda is in the clinic for various health reasons. Later, Y. is kicked out; the subterranean existence of Maïko is revealed; Hell_Liza makes her appearance; and my last gesture of service is snatched out of my hands with a bowl of parmesan.
/// Crète
The year had been exhausting, and it still wasn't over ! It was hell at work, my boss was very dominating & unpleasant to me, despite the consistently long hours I put in. Monsieur Os had dumped me, and now I'd been rejected as a soumise. My son was living on the other side of the world, I found myself alone in Paris.
I desperately needed to do something for myself ! A yoga retreat in Crete was the perfect answer — such a gift, 10 days of bliss !
I returned refreshed, hollowed out inside, more centered and detached.
/// Monsieur Os aux Goûters
I changed my mobile number when I bought my iPhone over the summer and I wasn't going to give my new number to Monsieur Os, but in a weak moment I called him. We agreed to see each other on my return from Crete, and I even suggested going to the Goûters together.
As I was very detached when I returned, I didn't really care if I saw him or not — but an email was waiting for me in which he detailed his desire to go to the Goûters, as my soumis !
What a twist of fate, to finally go there together and have it be the reverse of the original fantasy ! (More in detail in a separate post).
But it cured me. After having a drink together a few weeks later, I understood to what extent he didn't love me, and how I was just an instrument for his fantasies.
/// Obama !
Earlier in the year, le Marquis had really opened my eyes to the humanitarian spirit of Obama's campaign. I brought him 2 Obama T-shirts when I returned from SF. Now that he'd won the primary election, the excitement & hope mounted as Election Day grew closer.
Obama really bonded us in a common hope, and I felt my vote was sent for all of my French friends, especially for le Marquis.
/// Un café & un bol de sang à emporter
Often the dinner discussions focussed on more extreme & strange impulses and desires...
I listened, and sometimes needed to protect myself from absorbing this heavy energy that sometimes gave me an emotional hang-over the next day.
/// SpyPrincess
Le Marquis likes the part of me that's out there, the crazy California girl who sees colors, hears voices, sees spirits. He knows that it's the real me. So, if that's what he likes, I let that part emerge so that hopefully my other facettes can be seen. Wanting to stay close in whatever way I could.
He asks me to do a secret mission for the Goûters, and I become Spy Princess. He is now mon Commandant.
/// Dog collar
Frustrated by not having a Master, I decide to buy myself a collar. I've been drawn to some dog collars that are in a fancy pet boutique near my office. I find what I'm looking for on Ebay — a vintage black leather dog collar with strass from Germany, sufficiently bling-bling for the time being.
/// Halloween 2008
Le Marquis suggested that I could just do a silver body paint with my cuissardes & corset for Halloween. I also buy a latex cat mask.
As I'm covering myself with the paint, I realize that the stupid salesman didn't propose a fixative. The paint remains semi-dry & comes off on whatever it touches. This distracts me, as I'm conscious on not wanting to smear silver on other people's clothes, or the furniture, etc.
The result is rather dramatic. I'm fairly unrecognizable, and it's a peculiar feeling to see people I know glance past me. Once they recognize me, I can feel also a certain distance. Instead of being attractive, I'm more repulsive to them. I'm not a cute little catwoman, like C. who also wears a catmask. I look more like a luchadora (Mexican catch player). But I discover that I like the latex masque !
Emmanuel becomes my chevalier servant once again, the evening goes by. I feel a bit nostalgic for Halloween 2007. I've grown & changed, still more to do. Feeling very uncomfortable not having a Master.
I understand now the difference between a love/sex relationship and a BDSM relationship, although the ultimate would be to have them together. As it stands now, I have neither one !
/// Epilogue
This writing is a synthesis of what I went thru last year, I'm sending these feelings out to cyberspace, getting it out of my head. Trying to release this feeling of failure.
My story is far from over.
The Marquis Noir has told me that I have a real place, but just what that place is I need to know.
Finally, it's Nawa-kin who helps me to evolve, I discover just how much I like bondage. She says: before, you were scattered, now you're starting to have some substance. We experiment with head & throat bondage. The gentle way she nudges me forward, her fingers pulling back the rope, choking me. I see stars, je pars en voyage. Abandonment, the subtleness of the intensity.
A big thank you to :
Those who guided me : Le Marquis-Noir, Mlle Ôda, Nawa-kin
My Chevalier servants : Julien, Emmanuel
My inspirations : Jade & Julien, Roman & C, Franck & Clara
My friends : Pascal, Hell_Liza, Maïko, Petit Doudou, Jacques & Agnès, Jean-Louis & Dominique
And to everyone at les Goûters
If I'm able to write this now, it's because I hope that I have changed a little bit. I've given much thought to Mast'Her's impressions, catching myself as an actress, a dissimulator, etc. I've tried to be more in alignment with myself, and thus more authentic with others.
/// California
On the other side of the world, in California, busy with a family wedding, helping my son move to SF, I thought of les Goûters. I thought : what if I didn't go back? Would I miss it? I realized that it really meant something to me, that I really cared about this group of people.
Coming back to Paris, not sure of how things stood, I asked le Marquis if I could come to the Goûters that Friday.
/// Je n'ai plus d'ordres à te donner
I sit on the stool next to his chair, waiting. He comes down, sits there. A man asks if he could play with me, and le Marquis tells him that I'm free to do as I pleased. I tell him : maybe later. I ask le Marquis what that meant. He replied : Je n'ai plus d'ordres à te donner.
My heart sinks as I realize that I won't get another chance (even though I keep a slight hope). He tells me that we're on 2 different planets, that everybody thought so (meaning Ôda and Nawa-kin), that we should just be friends. That we were incompatible, but that he would still watch over me in the Club. That he didn't have the time or the energy for me. In a word, he was no longer my Mast'Her.
What could I say ? I expected a talk, or a punishment, but not such a quick & final decision.
The doorbell rang, the brief discussion was over, I sat there with tears in my eyes, crying inside.
Not knowing what to do. I sat there.
Later, a young man I knew wanted to play. As a test, I told him to ask le Marquis, like before. As I waited upstairs, I could hear his answer thru the door : je lui ai rendu sa liberté.
/// Électron libre
So now I'm on my own, a free electron. I felt lost, ungrounded, no guidelines, no rules to obey, no one to serve.
In silence, respecting his decision, but crying on the inside.
Thoughts fill my mind : would another Master want me, knowing that I had been rejected by the Marquis ? Feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable when people ask me at the Club, or if they tell me they'd already heard.
At dinner he speaks of our communication problems, that after 8 months my texts remain still untranslated in my blog; that 8 months later, we're still in the same place.
That by not truly communicating, it was a way to dominate him. I have no real excuse, except to say that even to put my feelings/sensations into words in English was difficult, but I should of course have translated my writings for him.
A few tentative experiences with some other Masters, just for the afternoon. One experience with candle-wax left marks on my arms for a month !
Nawa-kin is on her boat with a shaven head; Ôda is in the clinic for various health reasons. Later, Y. is kicked out; the subterranean existence of Maïko is revealed; Hell_Liza makes her appearance; and my last gesture of service is snatched out of my hands with a bowl of parmesan.
/// Crète
The year had been exhausting, and it still wasn't over ! It was hell at work, my boss was very dominating & unpleasant to me, despite the consistently long hours I put in. Monsieur Os had dumped me, and now I'd been rejected as a soumise. My son was living on the other side of the world, I found myself alone in Paris.
I desperately needed to do something for myself ! A yoga retreat in Crete was the perfect answer — such a gift, 10 days of bliss !
I returned refreshed, hollowed out inside, more centered and detached.
/// Monsieur Os aux Goûters
I changed my mobile number when I bought my iPhone over the summer and I wasn't going to give my new number to Monsieur Os, but in a weak moment I called him. We agreed to see each other on my return from Crete, and I even suggested going to the Goûters together.
As I was very detached when I returned, I didn't really care if I saw him or not — but an email was waiting for me in which he detailed his desire to go to the Goûters, as my soumis !
What a twist of fate, to finally go there together and have it be the reverse of the original fantasy ! (More in detail in a separate post).
But it cured me. After having a drink together a few weeks later, I understood to what extent he didn't love me, and how I was just an instrument for his fantasies.
/// Obama !
Earlier in the year, le Marquis had really opened my eyes to the humanitarian spirit of Obama's campaign. I brought him 2 Obama T-shirts when I returned from SF. Now that he'd won the primary election, the excitement & hope mounted as Election Day grew closer.
Obama really bonded us in a common hope, and I felt my vote was sent for all of my French friends, especially for le Marquis.
/// Un café & un bol de sang à emporter
Often the dinner discussions focussed on more extreme & strange impulses and desires...
I listened, and sometimes needed to protect myself from absorbing this heavy energy that sometimes gave me an emotional hang-over the next day.
/// SpyPrincess
Le Marquis likes the part of me that's out there, the crazy California girl who sees colors, hears voices, sees spirits. He knows that it's the real me. So, if that's what he likes, I let that part emerge so that hopefully my other facettes can be seen. Wanting to stay close in whatever way I could.
He asks me to do a secret mission for the Goûters, and I become Spy Princess. He is now mon Commandant.
/// Dog collar
Frustrated by not having a Master, I decide to buy myself a collar. I've been drawn to some dog collars that are in a fancy pet boutique near my office. I find what I'm looking for on Ebay — a vintage black leather dog collar with strass from Germany, sufficiently bling-bling for the time being.
/// Halloween 2008
Le Marquis suggested that I could just do a silver body paint with my cuissardes & corset for Halloween. I also buy a latex cat mask.
As I'm covering myself with the paint, I realize that the stupid salesman didn't propose a fixative. The paint remains semi-dry & comes off on whatever it touches. This distracts me, as I'm conscious on not wanting to smear silver on other people's clothes, or the furniture, etc.
The result is rather dramatic. I'm fairly unrecognizable, and it's a peculiar feeling to see people I know glance past me. Once they recognize me, I can feel also a certain distance. Instead of being attractive, I'm more repulsive to them. I'm not a cute little catwoman, like C. who also wears a catmask. I look more like a luchadora (Mexican catch player). But I discover that I like the latex masque !
Emmanuel becomes my chevalier servant once again, the evening goes by. I feel a bit nostalgic for Halloween 2007. I've grown & changed, still more to do. Feeling very uncomfortable not having a Master.
I understand now the difference between a love/sex relationship and a BDSM relationship, although the ultimate would be to have them together. As it stands now, I have neither one !
/// Epilogue
This writing is a synthesis of what I went thru last year, I'm sending these feelings out to cyberspace, getting it out of my head. Trying to release this feeling of failure.
My story is far from over.
The Marquis Noir has told me that I have a real place, but just what that place is I need to know.
Finally, it's Nawa-kin who helps me to evolve, I discover just how much I like bondage. She says: before, you were scattered, now you're starting to have some substance. We experiment with head & throat bondage. The gentle way she nudges me forward, her fingers pulling back the rope, choking me. I see stars, je pars en voyage. Abandonment, the subtleness of the intensity.
A big thank you to :
Those who guided me : Le Marquis-Noir, Mlle Ôda, Nawa-kin
My Chevalier servants : Julien, Emmanuel
My inspirations : Jade & Julien, Roman & C, Franck & Clara
My friends : Pascal, Hell_Liza, Maïko, Petit Doudou, Jacques & Agnès, Jean-Louis & Dominique
And to everyone at les Goûters
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